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We all have arrived at a medical appointment 15 minutes early to fill out the dreaded health forms. I decided the last time to answer the questions how I really wanted to all these years.
I will share a few of my answers with you that now is a hit in the office. (with my permission)

Age: My spirit is 20. My body is a deceitful bastard.

Sex: Often

Do you smoke? My hubby says I am smoking hot. See sex.

Do you use street drugs? I just took two ibuprofens in the parking lot.

Do you have any heart conditions? That I wear it on my sleeve, and it breaks easily. Please use gentle words with me.

Allergies: Filling out forms.

Do you have any concerns today? Pray to all that is holy that my bladder holds. I had jumbo size pop on the way here and I really need to go to the bathroom. The front desk person said I had to wait until I could fill a little cup. Better be a bucket.

How much caffeine do you use? I support a small village whose main source of revenue is coffee beans.

Do you exercise? Does chasing escaping chickens count?

Would you consider you eat a healthy diet? Yes, but every time I buy lettuce and veggies, they are recalled for E. coli. So, I end up eating peanut M&Ms. Honestly who can keep track of what is considered healthy, it changes daily. One day eggs are death in a shell. The next they are golden yolks of youthfulness.

Have you noticed any changes in your memory? What was the question?

Do you find your thoughts wander? No, they don’t. However, my aunt, she taught yoga and she really liked applesauce. Hmmm where was I going with that? Squirrel.

Do you experience any pain or discomfort in joints? When I get out of bed in the morning every joint screams and yells. It sounds like Christmas dinner with family.

I highly suggest answering all questions on a medical form truthful and accurate but sometimes you got to have fun.


  1. Mona, I literally laughed out loud several times when I read this blog! Also, when you called them hell forms, it reminded me of when I taught Kindergarten and some of my students thought that the Health Office was called the “Hell Office” or the “Help Office”, which in that case, would have been appropriate.

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